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CHERN.yehlin here
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since 1st jan 2009

Wednesday, February 20, 2013 1:35 AM

I hate flashbacks.
Especially when it's about something I've lost.

Today I realised that I rarely tell people my emotions
Perspective yes. Advice.. Yes.
But not what I feel about things. Innermost thoughts and feelings.
Despite knowing that I have friends supporting me.
Waiting for me to tell them things
I don't cry in front of my family. I rarely cry in front of my friends. I have this.. Automatic shield around me.

Now the only person I tell is Vernice.
Last time it used to be Vernice and Lester.

I remember breaking into tears when I told Lester the full story of how my ahgong funeral donations were handled.
I tried my best to continue and made my words clearer despite all the sobs.
He just embraced me and waited for me to finish.
I knew that he wouldn't judge me in anything I said and he would listen with so much patience. so I went on and on and told him everything. Every detail of the story.
Felt so much better after that.

I remember tears streamed down my emotionless face when he told in the face me he went out alone with another girl prior to our date on the same day. That was during the duration of weeks of quarreling and insecurity. I just looked at him and cried.
He begged me not to cry but I didn't have a choice.
That was the first time I cried out LOUD in front of anyone.
I was so sick and tired of everything.
He apologized and waited and waited for me to end. But I think it was only after half and hour I did? After rounds and rounds of tears over every mistake or memory then I choked and eventually stopped.

And now as I sit on my bed. And relive my emotions. I cry again.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy with my life now. Just this morning I figured that I am happier now than I was in the past.
No longer having someone or some situation dampen my spirits.

It's just... Crying over the past.