Hehehe

No but it's not something happy LOL

Probably my last serious post k hehe

It's about parents and happiness. 

In sec 2 I got bullied by a slut (literally slut) and I had a gangster boyfriend. 

Almost all my friends shunned away from me and the dude I depended on sucked.

It got so bad I wanted to kill myself and I was planning to. 

Took a scissors. Sat on the toilet floor. 

Even when the scissors grazed my skin I felt like this was my only key to happiness. Death was freedom to my unhappiness. Feeling physical pain felt like it would make my life more bearable. cause physical pain is something you can deal with.. much better than rejection. 

It was also a type of revenge I wanted to give the slut and bastard. Like if I died.. Everyone would blame her and maybe more people will know the truth. 

Eventually I didn't hahaha 

Which explains my presence. 

But I didn't cause my mama kept complaining to me that I was using the toilet for too long. Like I sat there for an hour with a scissors. 

And my girlfriend texted me to go out. A girlfriend who betrayed me. Nevertheless still my friend who loves me right now.

Eventually I left the toilet wondering if I made the right choice by staying alive. 

Going to school to face all the shit. 

The very same shit which made me feel like I couldn't live on anymore. 

I was unstable. 

Cried to my parents without telling them anything. 

And I told them I didn't want to go school.

Which of course they allowed seeing their child on the edge of hysteria.

I think it was then on I started my habit of ponning school for the sake of my personal well being.

Sometimes school is really tiring. Not cuz of studies... But it's the social aspect of schools. 

Bullying isn't as easy to get over really. 

First you will wonder what's wrong with you. 

And then you will start to realise things about yourself that people dislike.

Your self esteem plunges. 

I longed to be accepted cause I didn't even know that slut was bullying me... You would think everything is going on in your mind. People avoiding you. Walking away from you. Whispering in front of you. 

Some parts of you refuse to believe it's true. Maybe cause I thought I could be loved by my friends like how my parents loved me. Maybe it's cause I couldn't see anything wrong about myself.. I couldn't see why they shunned from me. 

And then when you realise that there is someone in existence who really sincerely hates you.. And more people are disliking you... 

I felt so worthless. 

Like if I died.... Maybe people could find my value?

Maybe people would blame her? 

Maybe no one would even realise and no tears would be shed.

Either ways... Death was freedom from my problems.

Of course not forgetting the part that 2 years later everyone knew that slut as a slut cause she sent her bikini shots or topless shots to guys.

Hahaha and kinda lost almost every friend except for one who was utterly outcasted as well~~~ 

Took me a while to try to recall my memories at that point of them cause for now I feel nothing but thankful for everything I have hehe

Now my life is awesome.

I have a steady clique which I don't need to put in effort to bond. To include. And I won't feel left out even if I stay silent for months hehe. 

I have a strong family. Parents utterly irrevocably in love with each other. 

And a loving sister who's nice to me as long as she's not groggy~ 

Okay maybe I've downplayed my sister's importance to me. 

She's really really really really important. 

Like at night both of us will laugh and joke together. Sing song together. I will tell her about my interesting stuffs in school and we will have our own private jokes which are really strange LOL 

And perhaps the best part of my family is this knowledge that the comfort I've gained from them will last as long as I live. 

Lynn vernice Jonathan radiance and even other less close friends tho still very important.... They are my second family. The ones I can depend on permanently without a blood bond.

It's because of Lynn and Jon that I was able to survive sec 2. Lynn took me in and Jon will talk to me. 

I always believe that a person do not live in vain as long as that person has impacted a life. Be it a friend or even a stranger. 

And it was the two of them whom I knew will never ever forget me and let me go... I kept holding on.

Sometimes depression can get so bad you forget to look up. 

Feels like you're in this hole of sadness and everything around you is inconsequential. I found it hard to laugh. Found it hard to appreciate things in life. Particularly cause my life sucked lol~ 

But a friends presence can remind you of all the good things there is in life. Some of which they have experienced which you have yet to experience 

Nevertheless it's always things that life has to offer. 

Your choice to grab the opportunity really.

Anyways the beautiful thing in my life is probably my friends and family.

Woodlands buddy. 

Gay okay. 

And how much I know I have done good.

My studies are average~ 50 days more. Somehow I always have this unlimited confidence in my abilities. 

Hahahahhaaha 

But my whole main point about this post is.... 

After going through so much.

I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW CAN PEOPLE GET ANGRY WITH ONE ANOTHER OVER SMALL THINGS!!!!!! 

I mean you are blessed enough for having peace but YOU'RE SHOUTING CAUSE MY PARENTS BOUGHT VEGE FOR YOU INSTEAD OF CHICKEN???

Dude no parent is born to serve you

Every parent have an option to DUMP their child at one side the moment they are born. Cause the truth is every child is a BURDEN

Every parent have to change their LIFE for the child. 

But guess what? The moment you're born your parents SWORE to themselves that they will always take care of you this burden. 

They clothe you. Feed you. Bathe you. Listen to your woes. And even WORK HARD for you. If they didn't have to provide for you they would probably be living a damn luxurious life right now. But they paid for your every need. 

Can you ever imagine having a friend who believe that their sole focus is for you, your comfort, your education, your happiness. 

Of course we can be like... Our parents gave birth to us. They have the responsibility of taking care of us. 

Dude THOUSANDS of parents ABANDONED their child. You could have been one of them. 

And I'm not just talking about my dear sister. I'm talking about every ungrateful child. 

It's appalling how there are so many teenagers who are whining over their parents behavior. 

Not giving them what they want. 

Your parents have the CHOICE TO ABANDON YOU. But they choose to bring you up. You owe them.

Keep that in mind before complaining about the wrong actions they do FOR YOU. 

Okay now that that part is ranted. 

The other part is how I don't understand people can get extremely annoyed so easily.

Yes yes of course I get annoyed too. But I let it go cause the intention is not to harm. It was harmless. 

Trust me this part has no particular reference to any situation around me. 

But maybe it's cause there are more people that are experiencing it? 

When you had someone who bullied you. Intention was to harm you for weeks and weeks.

Feeling annoyed over the little things in life just seems .... Pointless. 

No one's intention is to harm people. (Unless you're a slut)

Yes sometimes the things they do are wrong. But they didn't mean to. It was accidental. A result of their actions...

The last thing they truly want is to make you upset. You could have been like them too.

So

Do you tell them? 

Do you remember it forever and ever? 

Do you get angry with them? 

Which brings me back to my point.

Happiness is a comparison. 

Why is it that a poor man's idea of happiness is to have enough food and money to survive. While a rich man who has attained this "happiness" is unhappy?

Is it really because like what everyone say... the rich man in ungrateful? Unappreciative? 

Greedy??

It isn't. 

It's because he does not know how to appreciate what he has. He hasn't gone through anything worse in his life. His version of worst moment in his life might be inability to get a wife... (Which is bad really in the the modern world.)

But if you compare it with a dude in a third world country... Struggling to even live.. The rich man would have attained "happiness" in his eyes.

Happiness is a comparison. It's the benchmark we create to see if something is worth being happy about or not. 

If you have gone through worse things in your life.. You would be happy when you're problem free.

Whereares if you have gone through almost nothing significant in your life.. You would be unhappy over the smallest things.

The flaw in humans is that we can only see things from our own perspective. 

It's hard to sympathize without going through the problems. 

It's not that people are unappreciative of things (even tho some are) 

It's not that people take it for granted..

Most people just don't know how to be appreciative for something that is embedded in their lives every single day since they were born.

Don't make the same mistake.

Cherish what you have before it's gone.

Learn from people's experiences so that you don't have to go through the same feelings. 

Maybe...

That's the reason why I feel happy. Cause everything else that happened to me was so much worse. 

When you compare my past to my present... It's poles apart. 

Its the same reason why I can't stay angry at friends for long. 

When you compare someone's accidental actions towards you... And someone intending to hurt you.. 

It's impossible to get angry at the innocent. 

It's also the same reason why a lot of my friends who have divorced parents are much happier than the rest. 

Is it really cause they are living a happier life? 

It's not.! 

It's because they have gone through worse. 

How much you let your problems scar you will be how much you will grow after the whole ordeal.

If you wanna be bochap and not give a crap about the entire situation ... Chances are you're not gonna be affected by things. You're not gonna learn things. You're not gonna grow as a person. 

If people are annoyed with you. Do you choose to ignore them.? Or find out what's wrong? 

Clearly if you ignore and choose to be oblivious... chances are... There will be other people who will be annoyed with you in the future. 

If you let their words affect you. And you change for the better. The same problem will never repeat again.

And then there will be the minority after reading that paragraph who say "I won't change my personality for people."

It's not about losing yourself... It's about making yourself better. You can still be you. Have your personality. Be happy and funny and weird sometimes. You will find friends who love you. But there are some things that we shouldn't breach. Cause at times your actions hurt your friends. Do you really want that to go on? Continue hurting people until they decide to dump you and you will move on to another friend? Don't blame the world if the world doesn't accept you. Blame yourself for making the world dislike you. 

Of course that's only with the condition that your world isn't made up of idiots~

Anyways I think I spent two hours typing this LOL

Next few posts are gonna be really happy !!!!!!!

Hehehehehehehe 

I'm meeting Lynn and Chloe cause both of them happened to be free now while my schools mates are taking physics LOL

PLAY WARCRAFT HEHEHE

EXCITED !!!!

Bye !!!!!!!

Cause nothing super happy is happening to me nooooow

Life so boring

Which is not normal for me

After As

I MUST GO OUT EVERYDAY!!!!

Heck I have this Sunday Wednesday Thursday Friday booked alr

Why am I still feeling a sense of loss.

Hope I can meet Lynn next week. 

That will just make everything perfect :) 

Maybe meet that hazel too? Hehe 

Okay must always remind myself that this is temporary !!!!!!!!!

FIFTY MORE DAYS !!!!!!!!!

THEN AFTER THIS

I MUST IMPROVE MY COMPLEXION

WEAR COLOR CONTACTS

CURL MY HAIR

DIE IT ... REDDD????? Hehehehe 

I've been loving the reddish brown lately. 

I'm so bored with black hair. 

Then must go SHOPPING !!!!!!!!!!

But must make sure my Alevels do well first so I can party with true happiness !!!!!

Go yehlin!!!

Anyways I decided to talk about a very fond memory of mine that I got reminded of while studying!!

Lynn Jon xav Jinggy <3

So for like 1 and a half year... Every birthday... We organise BBQ !!!!!!!!

Hahaha and I love it

Like it's super fun and easy to organise.

Then everyone will just come. And then we will play then go home !!!!! 

Then the gang will meet early to make the ingredients !!!!! Hehe

Like we will buy sambal. 

Garlic

Shallot

Onion 

And black pepper ?

Prawn

Stingray (was there?)

Sotong 

Then will use aluminum foil to wrap like the sauce we made with all the ingredients !!!!! 

Like a mini dish!!!!

Yummmmy

And it was so fun and easy going. 

Easily one of my happiest feelings ever.

Going Jon house play play. 

Then we will invite other commonwealthians~ other friends all our common friends!!!! Then just all gather together and chat chat around 20+ people? 

And it was like

Jon birthday

Xav bday

My birthday

Jinggy birthday

Lynn birthday 

Hehehe so happyyyyyyyyy 

Miss spending time with them~

After As I don't care I must organise hehe

Everyone has different schedules now~

Jinggy is following her Lasalle Ang moh schedule... Xav following poly schedule...

Okokay 

Then my class went out too many many times !!!!!!

Was so happy :) :) 

Like steamboat karaoke bintan sleepovers hehehe

And gay okay too!!!!!! 

All the birthday celebration meet ups !!!!

Hehe okay now I feel much happier

After As these days must repeat non stop k!!!!!!!! 

Lets go for As !!!!!! So I can play!!!

I feel like I've dumb myself down lately cause there's nothing else to think about besides doing worthless naval gazing...

But I don't have the deep mode now hahahahaha 

No point to prove. No story to say. 

Perhaps a point to prove but don't know how to say?

I think I've reached a point in my life that I am able to see based on a guy's character and behavior whether I can find myself being with that person. Like within a week I can predict with super sonic eyes. *power* *pewpewpew*

The reason why I have been or why I avoided getting close to a guy who wants to be more than friends...

 (For guys I don't have feelings for.)

Is probably cause I know that no matter what.. Even if I 'fall' for the person it will eventually lead to a break up. 

I mean all my 3 exes had this same problem. I should probably learn by now how to stop myself from getting hurt. 

Cause silly me thought that after 6months+ of chasing... The comfort I felt from the guy was love. 

And getting into relationship blahblah. 

And then I realised it wasn't love. 

Being the kind and awesome and self sacrificing person I am I would torture myself and make myself fall for the person or just remain with the person until another problem crops up.

Which lead to my break ups

One engaged in slashing

Another one threatened to kill himself

Which obviously can't continue.

But even before that breaking point I knew I wouldn't last long with the person.

My point is that I have met many guys who wants to get close to me cause they are interested in me. 

And then just when I get closer to them... They think that i give them false hope. and They abandon me cause I don't have romantic feelings for them.

OR 

These guys that I originally don't have romantic feelings for.. Chase me until I deceive myself into thinking that I do. The person becomes an irrevocable part of my life.

And then problems come and the chasm deepens. Week after week cracks resurface. And then I break up with the person again after months of tears from both parties. Or a year for that matter. 

So to protect myself from the possibility of feeling hurt... I will just choose to be cold to the person before my relationship with the person grows. Before the person creates a dependency on me and find each other irreplaceable. Before hurt gets magnified many months later. 

I am afraid to enter a failing relationship. 

One which both parties will get hurt. Or I will be abandoned. 

And this is why I'm very cold to people who get close to me to be more than friends. 

On the flip side

I have experienced the feeling of getting ignored. Trust me rejection feels like knives stabbing into your heart. It can entirely consume your mind and soul such that you feel like you hit rock bottom. Every second you feel like crap and nothing will ever make you forget. 

So now I'm the nice person who will be nice to whoever is talking to me. 

Trying to draw a line within the grey areas.

Of course it's a total different story for guys I have feelings for first~~~

For everyone out there. The person you want to be with... 

Must be as close to you as your best friend.

Don't make the same mistakes I did.

The person can even be your best friend. 

It is near impossible to be with someone who you are not mentally close to and only feel this attraction towards ... Cause when the real problems come you will realise a breakdown in communication. 

Disagreements will lead to quarrels or silence. And if it continues you will find yourself feeling depressed cause you're stuck with someone who's totally unable to understand you. 

Relationships are always sugarcoated. 

Dramas and movies make it to be the best thing that can ever happen to a person. 

Well then heart break is the worst thing that can ever happen to a person lol. 

I have come to a conclusion that heart break is worse than the passing of a loved one.

Typed this before~ 

In death, the person leaves you loving you.

In heartbreak, the person leave you cause he doesn't want you. 

That's just how cut throat reality is. 

You see the person you have feelings for lead a happier life away from you. 

But always remember that we have many years to live. Many people to meet. Many experiences to encounter. 

Sometimes I'm worried I won't find a partner. But look at the people around... Do you see someone you can live with for the rest of your life right now?

If you don't, then there's no sense of loss cause being alone is always better than being with people you can't live with.

Plus we are only 18 :) 

In uni there's another 4 years to go!!!! 

In any case, 

Don't regret any actions any feelings any experiences.. Cause at that point of them that was your mentality and what you wanted. All these have shaped you into the person you are today. Whether you are the person you will be proud of is entirely up to you.

That being said, always make decisions and Choose what you want taking in account the consequences and never regret it!

Heheh I explain when I'm free~

I realised that your academic results only reflects one thing. 

Either one really

1. How much you were born to study

2. How much you can force yourself to study 

Cause students fall into two components 

-naturally 'smart'

-naturally less 'smart'

Of course I don't mean 'smart' as the real smart.

Does results really determine how smart a person is ? 

No.

You can be super smart and not study. And do badly. But if I throw you into an unfavorable situation... The smart person will be the one who can turn things around.

I told a friend this.

Singapore kids have been lied into thinking that results = smartness = capability

Well if I could I would spit on that. 

Cause that's the best way to lower a child's self esteem.

Been rather happy lately. Or easily happy.? Hehehehe 

I'm studying~ 

Not extremely hard? Tho everyone's definition of studying hard is different.

I'm wistful~

Sad things have happened 

But I'm done with it.

Ready to welcome my new life. 

And embracing my past hehe 

Don't make life hard for others. Cause everyone has their set of problems.

And I never did realise how true it is. 

But you won't understand a feeling until you experience it yourself. 

You can think you do.. But the truth is you don't. 

Which brings me back to the question I have question thinking of

How much experience is enough? 

How much must one go through to be able to sympathize with others.?

In any case I'm thankful for what I have.

Especially my parents... They are my greatest blessing.

And in the future I shall be thankful for my husband and my family hehehehe

Lack of sleep haven't been good for me. Thoughts go haywire and feelings become uncontrollable.

But I believe me the Yehlin shall conquer what I should and be able to be proud of myself at the end of the tunnel.

Beat who's ought to be beaten.

Crazy study mode

Throwing my phone to one side.

No more slacking. 

I have a confession to make. 

I have been feeling very upset. 

And then I've been wondering why I feel upset. 

Cause things that have been happening to me isn't very upsetting 

And I discovered why

It's damn lame but I gotta confess it 

My shoes are damn dirty and disgusting.

My school skirt is disgusting

My dreamcatcher is dirty 

And I have been unproductive with my studies. 

It sounds very lame and stuffs but seriously 

Seeing my dirty shoes dirty bag dirty keychain every one hour made me unhappy :( 

It's so disgusting beyond my normal tolerant dirt level. 

Like .. My dreamcatcher is turning .. YELLOW

Ew not even grey. 

I didn't have time to wash it. 

Or at least I was busy prioritizing other things :( 

Like studying with a bad mood 

Anyways anyways

I have decided to wash it 

Hehehe tomorrow morning !!

And just now I was a little productive !!!!! 

Like gaining momentum.

So I'm happier hehe 

Strange girl feeling happy at strange things hahaha 

Can't wait for after As and I can expand my horizons ^^

I love my parents now they are very sweet to me.

Sometimes I feel offended by my friends but I keep everything in. 

some I forgive... Some I don't.

At times I find it hard to learn to be forgiving. 

But I guess a way that I can overcome that is to remember that I've been forgiven too :) 

Sometimes we do things without thinking.

Not with the intention to harm.

Sometimes it's cause we feel very close to the person. So we tend to forget.

Every friendship will have troubles. 

After you overcome it things will be better. 

Life is about how much you appreciate the good things and how well let go of the bad.

Everyone will face their own set of troubles. Be it myopic or major. 

At least to each individual.. Our own problems are major. 

Sometimes it's really not... 

Learn to see past that. 

Life is a battle.

How well are you fighting yours ?

Another valuable knowledge about situations.

There are many types of people who choose to help others. 

There's...

Those who will wont help at all. 

Those who will only help when being asked.

Those who can sense when someone needs their help and will help.

Those who can sense when someone needs help and refuse to help.

And then today I discovered this rare species.

Those that can sense when someone needs help. And force their help on people. Even when the person says he doesn't need help.

And the worst part is that a portion of this rare species gloat when they sense the person being annoyed of intrusive help.

So I wonder why? 

Why would someone force their help even when they know they don't need them?

The probable answer is that this rare species is 

Egoistic.

They feel proud of themselves for doing the right thing. At least the right thing to them. By helping others in need.

And feel proud of themselves of doing so. Like an addition to their list of kind deeds.

And to them annoying the person doesn't matter cause they 'know' that they are doing right. And it's funny that the other person isn't behaving the right way.

But what's most important to them is that they build their self esteem through this perceived help. 

Since they are consistently helping others  everytime they sense it. 

Which is bullshit.

It frustrates me and annoys me.

Don't force your help on others. 

Especially when the person tells you she don't need it. 

Don't be proud of yourself for intruding into people lives and making them feel worse.

It's disgusting.

Hehehe

No but it's not something happy LOL

Probably my last serious post k hehe

It's about parents and happiness. 

In sec 2 I got bullied by a slut (literally slut) and I had a gangster boyfriend. 

Almost all my friends shunned away from me and the dude I depended on sucked.

It got so bad I wanted to kill myself and I was planning to. 

Took a scissors. Sat on the toilet floor. 

Even when the scissors grazed my skin I felt like this was my only key to happiness. Death was freedom to my unhappiness. Feeling physical pain felt like it would make my life more bearable. cause physical pain is something you can deal with.. much better than rejection. 

It was also a type of revenge I wanted to give the slut and bastard. Like if I died.. Everyone would blame her and maybe more people will know the truth. 

Eventually I didn't hahaha 

Which explains my presence. 

But I didn't cause my mama kept complaining to me that I was using the toilet for too long. Like I sat there for an hour with a scissors. 

And my girlfriend texted me to go out. A girlfriend who betrayed me. Nevertheless still my friend who loves me right now.

Eventually I left the toilet wondering if I made the right choice by staying alive. 

Going to school to face all the shit. 

The very same shit which made me feel like I couldn't live on anymore. 

I was unstable. 

Cried to my parents without telling them anything. 

And I told them I didn't want to go school.

Which of course they allowed seeing their child on the edge of hysteria.

I think it was then on I started my habit of ponning school for the sake of my personal well being.

Sometimes school is really tiring. Not cuz of studies... But it's the social aspect of schools. 

Bullying isn't as easy to get over really. 

First you will wonder what's wrong with you. 

And then you will start to realise things about yourself that people dislike.

Your self esteem plunges. 

I longed to be accepted cause I didn't even know that slut was bullying me... You would think everything is going on in your mind. People avoiding you. Walking away from you. Whispering in front of you. 

Some parts of you refuse to believe it's true. Maybe cause I thought I could be loved by my friends like how my parents loved me. Maybe it's cause I couldn't see anything wrong about myself.. I couldn't see why they shunned from me. 

And then when you realise that there is someone in existence who really sincerely hates you.. And more people are disliking you... 

I felt so worthless. 

Like if I died.... Maybe people could find my value?

Maybe people would blame her? 

Maybe no one would even realise and no tears would be shed.

Either ways... Death was freedom from my problems.

Of course not forgetting the part that 2 years later everyone knew that slut as a slut cause she sent her bikini shots or topless shots to guys.

Hahaha and kinda lost almost every friend except for one who was utterly outcasted as well~~~ 

Took me a while to try to recall my memories at that point of them cause for now I feel nothing but thankful for everything I have hehe

Now my life is awesome.

I have a steady clique which I don't need to put in effort to bond. To include. And I won't feel left out even if I stay silent for months hehe. 

I have a strong family. Parents utterly irrevocably in love with each other. 

And a loving sister who's nice to me as long as she's not groggy~ 

Okay maybe I've downplayed my sister's importance to me. 

She's really really really really important. 

Like at night both of us will laugh and joke together. Sing song together. I will tell her about my interesting stuffs in school and we will have our own private jokes which are really strange LOL 

And perhaps the best part of my family is this knowledge that the comfort I've gained from them will last as long as I live. 

Lynn vernice Jonathan radiance and even other less close friends tho still very important.... They are my second family. The ones I can depend on permanently without a blood bond.

It's because of Lynn and Jon that I was able to survive sec 2. Lynn took me in and Jon will talk to me. 

I always believe that a person do not live in vain as long as that person has impacted a life. Be it a friend or even a stranger. 

And it was the two of them whom I knew will never ever forget me and let me go... I kept holding on.

Sometimes depression can get so bad you forget to look up. 

Feels like you're in this hole of sadness and everything around you is inconsequential. I found it hard to laugh. Found it hard to appreciate things in life. Particularly cause my life sucked lol~ 

But a friends presence can remind you of all the good things there is in life. Some of which they have experienced which you have yet to experience 

Nevertheless it's always things that life has to offer. 

Your choice to grab the opportunity really.

Anyways the beautiful thing in my life is probably my friends and family.

Woodlands buddy. 

Gay okay. 

And how much I know I have done good.

My studies are average~ 50 days more. Somehow I always have this unlimited confidence in my abilities. 

Hahahahhaaha 

But my whole main point about this post is.... 

After going through so much.

I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW CAN PEOPLE GET ANGRY WITH ONE ANOTHER OVER SMALL THINGS!!!!!! 

I mean you are blessed enough for having peace but YOU'RE SHOUTING CAUSE MY PARENTS BOUGHT VEGE FOR YOU INSTEAD OF CHICKEN???

Dude no parent is born to serve you

Every parent have an option to DUMP their child at one side the moment they are born. Cause the truth is every child is a BURDEN

Every parent have to change their LIFE for the child. 

But guess what? The moment you're born your parents SWORE to themselves that they will always take care of you this burden. 

They clothe you. Feed you. Bathe you. Listen to your woes. And even WORK HARD for you. If they didn't have to provide for you they would probably be living a damn luxurious life right now. But they paid for your every need. 

Can you ever imagine having a friend who believe that their sole focus is for you, your comfort, your education, your happiness. 

Of course we can be like... Our parents gave birth to us. They have the responsibility of taking care of us. 

Dude THOUSANDS of parents ABANDONED their child. You could have been one of them. 

And I'm not just talking about my dear sister. I'm talking about every ungrateful child. 

It's appalling how there are so many teenagers who are whining over their parents behavior. 

Not giving them what they want. 

Your parents have the CHOICE TO ABANDON YOU. But they choose to bring you up. You owe them.

Keep that in mind before complaining about the wrong actions they do FOR YOU. 

Okay now that that part is ranted. 

The other part is how I don't understand people can get extremely annoyed so easily.

Yes yes of course I get annoyed too. But I let it go cause the intention is not to harm. It was harmless. 

Trust me this part has no particular reference to any situation around me. 

But maybe it's cause there are more people that are experiencing it? 

When you had someone who bullied you. Intention was to harm you for weeks and weeks.

Feeling annoyed over the little things in life just seems .... Pointless. 

No one's intention is to harm people. (Unless you're a slut)

Yes sometimes the things they do are wrong. But they didn't mean to. It was accidental. A result of their actions...

The last thing they truly want is to make you upset. You could have been like them too.

So

Do you tell them? 

Do you remember it forever and ever? 

Do you get angry with them? 

Which brings me back to my point.

Happiness is a comparison. 

Why is it that a poor man's idea of happiness is to have enough food and money to survive. While a rich man who has attained this "happiness" is unhappy?

Is it really because like what everyone say... the rich man in ungrateful? Unappreciative? 

Greedy??

It isn't. 

It's because he does not know how to appreciate what he has. He hasn't gone through anything worse in his life. His version of worst moment in his life might be inability to get a wife... (Which is bad really in the the modern world.)

But if you compare it with a dude in a third world country... Struggling to even live.. The rich man would have attained "happiness" in his eyes.

Happiness is a comparison. It's the benchmark we create to see if something is worth being happy about or not. 

If you have gone through worse things in your life.. You would be happy when you're problem free.

Whereares if you have gone through almost nothing significant in your life.. You would be unhappy over the smallest things.

The flaw in humans is that we can only see things from our own perspective. 

It's hard to sympathize without going through the problems. 

It's not that people are unappreciative of things (even tho some are) 

It's not that people take it for granted..

Most people just don't know how to be appreciative for something that is embedded in their lives every single day since they were born.

Don't make the same mistake.

Cherish what you have before it's gone.

Learn from people's experiences so that you don't have to go through the same feelings. 

Maybe...

That's the reason why I feel happy. Cause everything else that happened to me was so much worse. 

When you compare my past to my present... It's poles apart. 

Its the same reason why I can't stay angry at friends for long. 

When you compare someone's accidental actions towards you... And someone intending to hurt you.. 

It's impossible to get angry at the innocent. 

It's also the same reason why a lot of my friends who have divorced parents are much happier than the rest. 

Is it really cause they are living a happier life? 

It's not.! 

It's because they have gone through worse. 

How much you let your problems scar you will be how much you will grow after the whole ordeal.

If you wanna be bochap and not give a crap about the entire situation ... Chances are you're not gonna be affected by things. You're not gonna learn things. You're not gonna grow as a person. 

If people are annoyed with you. Do you choose to ignore them.? Or find out what's wrong? 

Clearly if you ignore and choose to be oblivious... chances are... There will be other people who will be annoyed with you in the future. 

If you let their words affect you. And you change for the better. The same problem will never repeat again.

And then there will be the minority after reading that paragraph who say "I won't change my personality for people."

It's not about losing yourself... It's about making yourself better. You can still be you. Have your personality. Be happy and funny and weird sometimes. You will find friends who love you. But there are some things that we shouldn't breach. Cause at times your actions hurt your friends. Do you really want that to go on? Continue hurting people until they decide to dump you and you will move on to another friend? Don't blame the world if the world doesn't accept you. Blame yourself for making the world dislike you. 

Of course that's only with the condition that your world isn't made up of idiots~

Anyways I think I spent two hours typing this LOL

Next few posts are gonna be really happy !!!!!!!

Hehehehehehehe 

I'm meeting Lynn and Chloe cause both of them happened to be free now while my schools mates are taking physics LOL

PLAY WARCRAFT HEHEHE

EXCITED !!!!

Bye !!!!!!!

Cause nothing super happy is happening to me nooooow

Life so boring

Which is not normal for me

After As

I MUST GO OUT EVERYDAY!!!!

Heck I have this Sunday Wednesday Thursday Friday booked alr

Why am I still feeling a sense of loss.

Hope I can meet Lynn next week. 

That will just make everything perfect :) 

Maybe meet that hazel too? Hehe 

Okay must always remind myself that this is temporary !!!!!!!!!

FIFTY MORE DAYS !!!!!!!!!

THEN AFTER THIS

I MUST IMPROVE MY COMPLEXION

WEAR COLOR CONTACTS

CURL MY HAIR

DIE IT ... REDDD????? Hehehehe 

I've been loving the reddish brown lately. 

I'm so bored with black hair. 

Then must go SHOPPING !!!!!!!!!!

But must make sure my Alevels do well first so I can party with true happiness !!!!!

Go yehlin!!!

Anyways I decided to talk about a very fond memory of mine that I got reminded of while studying!!

Lynn Jon xav Jinggy <3

So for like 1 and a half year... Every birthday... We organise BBQ !!!!!!!!

Hahaha and I love it

Like it's super fun and easy to organise.

Then everyone will just come. And then we will play then go home !!!!! 

Then the gang will meet early to make the ingredients !!!!! Hehe

Like we will buy sambal. 

Garlic

Shallot

Onion 

And black pepper ?

Prawn

Stingray (was there?)

Sotong 

Then will use aluminum foil to wrap like the sauce we made with all the ingredients !!!!! 

Like a mini dish!!!!

Yummmmy

And it was so fun and easy going. 

Easily one of my happiest feelings ever.

Going Jon house play play. 

Then we will invite other commonwealthians~ other friends all our common friends!!!! Then just all gather together and chat chat around 20+ people? 

And it was like

Jon birthday

Xav bday

My birthday

Jinggy birthday

Lynn birthday 

Hehehe so happyyyyyyyyy 

Miss spending time with them~

After As I don't care I must organise hehe

Everyone has different schedules now~

Jinggy is following her Lasalle Ang moh schedule... Xav following poly schedule...

Okokay 

Then my class went out too many many times !!!!!!

Was so happy :) :) 

Like steamboat karaoke bintan sleepovers hehehe

And gay okay too!!!!!! 

All the birthday celebration meet ups !!!!

Hehe okay now I feel much happier

After As these days must repeat non stop k!!!!!!!! 

Lets go for As !!!!!! So I can play!!!

I feel like I've dumb myself down lately cause there's nothing else to think about besides doing worthless naval gazing...

But I don't have the deep mode now hahahahaha 

No point to prove. No story to say. 

Perhaps a point to prove but don't know how to say?

I think I've reached a point in my life that I am able to see based on a guy's character and behavior whether I can find myself being with that person. Like within a week I can predict with super sonic eyes. *power* *pewpewpew*

The reason why I have been or why I avoided getting close to a guy who wants to be more than friends...

 (For guys I don't have feelings for.)

Is probably cause I know that no matter what.. Even if I 'fall' for the person it will eventually lead to a break up. 

I mean all my 3 exes had this same problem. I should probably learn by now how to stop myself from getting hurt. 

Cause silly me thought that after 6months+ of chasing... The comfort I felt from the guy was love. 

And getting into relationship blahblah. 

And then I realised it wasn't love. 

Being the kind and awesome and self sacrificing person I am I would torture myself and make myself fall for the person or just remain with the person until another problem crops up.

Which lead to my break ups

One engaged in slashing

Another one threatened to kill himself

Which obviously can't continue.

But even before that breaking point I knew I wouldn't last long with the person.

My point is that I have met many guys who wants to get close to me cause they are interested in me. 

And then just when I get closer to them... They think that i give them false hope. and They abandon me cause I don't have romantic feelings for them.

OR 

These guys that I originally don't have romantic feelings for.. Chase me until I deceive myself into thinking that I do. The person becomes an irrevocable part of my life.

And then problems come and the chasm deepens. Week after week cracks resurface. And then I break up with the person again after months of tears from both parties. Or a year for that matter. 

So to protect myself from the possibility of feeling hurt... I will just choose to be cold to the person before my relationship with the person grows. Before the person creates a dependency on me and find each other irreplaceable. Before hurt gets magnified many months later. 

I am afraid to enter a failing relationship. 

One which both parties will get hurt. Or I will be abandoned. 

And this is why I'm very cold to people who get close to me to be more than friends. 

On the flip side

I have experienced the feeling of getting ignored. Trust me rejection feels like knives stabbing into your heart. It can entirely consume your mind and soul such that you feel like you hit rock bottom. Every second you feel like crap and nothing will ever make you forget. 

So now I'm the nice person who will be nice to whoever is talking to me. 

Trying to draw a line within the grey areas.

Of course it's a total different story for guys I have feelings for first~~~

For everyone out there. The person you want to be with... 

Must be as close to you as your best friend.

Don't make the same mistakes I did.

The person can even be your best friend. 

It is near impossible to be with someone who you are not mentally close to and only feel this attraction towards ... Cause when the real problems come you will realise a breakdown in communication. 

Disagreements will lead to quarrels or silence. And if it continues you will find yourself feeling depressed cause you're stuck with someone who's totally unable to understand you. 

Relationships are always sugarcoated. 

Dramas and movies make it to be the best thing that can ever happen to a person. 

Well then heart break is the worst thing that can ever happen to a person lol. 

I have come to a conclusion that heart break is worse than the passing of a loved one.

Typed this before~ 

In death, the person leaves you loving you.

In heartbreak, the person leave you cause he doesn't want you. 

That's just how cut throat reality is. 

You see the person you have feelings for lead a happier life away from you. 

But always remember that we have many years to live. Many people to meet. Many experiences to encounter. 

Sometimes I'm worried I won't find a partner. But look at the people around... Do you see someone you can live with for the rest of your life right now?

If you don't, then there's no sense of loss cause being alone is always better than being with people you can't live with.

Plus we are only 18 :) 

In uni there's another 4 years to go!!!! 

In any case, 

Don't regret any actions any feelings any experiences.. Cause at that point of them that was your mentality and what you wanted. All these have shaped you into the person you are today. Whether you are the person you will be proud of is entirely up to you.

That being said, always make decisions and Choose what you want taking in account the consequences and never regret it!

Heheh I explain when I'm free~

I realised that your academic results only reflects one thing. 

Either one really

1. How much you were born to study

2. How much you can force yourself to study 

Cause students fall into two components 

-naturally 'smart'

-naturally less 'smart'

Of course I don't mean 'smart' as the real smart.

Does results really determine how smart a person is ? 

No.

You can be super smart and not study. And do badly. But if I throw you into an unfavorable situation... The smart person will be the one who can turn things around.

I told a friend this.

Singapore kids have been lied into thinking that results = smartness = capability

Well if I could I would spit on that. 

Cause that's the best way to lower a child's self esteem.

Been rather happy lately. Or easily happy.? Hehehehe 

I'm studying~ 

Not extremely hard? Tho everyone's definition of studying hard is different.

I'm wistful~

Sad things have happened 

But I'm done with it.

Ready to welcome my new life. 

And embracing my past hehe 

Don't make life hard for others. Cause everyone has their set of problems.

And I never did realise how true it is. 

But you won't understand a feeling until you experience it yourself. 

You can think you do.. But the truth is you don't. 

Which brings me back to the question I have question thinking of

How much experience is enough? 

How much must one go through to be able to sympathize with others.?

In any case I'm thankful for what I have.

Especially my parents... They are my greatest blessing.

And in the future I shall be thankful for my husband and my family hehehehe

Lack of sleep haven't been good for me. Thoughts go haywire and feelings become uncontrollable.

But I believe me the Yehlin shall conquer what I should and be able to be proud of myself at the end of the tunnel.

Beat who's ought to be beaten.

Crazy study mode

Throwing my phone to one side.

No more slacking. 

I have a confession to make. 

I have been feeling very upset. 

And then I've been wondering why I feel upset. 

Cause things that have been happening to me isn't very upsetting 

And I discovered why

It's damn lame but I gotta confess it 

My shoes are damn dirty and disgusting.

My school skirt is disgusting

My dreamcatcher is dirty 

And I have been unproductive with my studies. 

It sounds very lame and stuffs but seriously 

Seeing my dirty shoes dirty bag dirty keychain every one hour made me unhappy :( 

It's so disgusting beyond my normal tolerant dirt level. 

Like .. My dreamcatcher is turning .. YELLOW

Ew not even grey. 

I didn't have time to wash it. 

Or at least I was busy prioritizing other things :( 

Like studying with a bad mood 

Anyways anyways

I have decided to wash it 

Hehehe tomorrow morning !!

And just now I was a little productive !!!!! 

Like gaining momentum.

So I'm happier hehe 

Strange girl feeling happy at strange things hahaha 

Can't wait for after As and I can expand my horizons ^^

I love my parents now they are very sweet to me.

Sometimes I feel offended by my friends but I keep everything in. 

some I forgive... Some I don't.

At times I find it hard to learn to be forgiving. 

But I guess a way that I can overcome that is to remember that I've been forgiven too :) 

Sometimes we do things without thinking.

Not with the intention to harm.

Sometimes it's cause we feel very close to the person. So we tend to forget.

Every friendship will have troubles. 

After you overcome it things will be better. 

Life is about how much you appreciate the good things and how well let go of the bad.

Everyone will face their own set of troubles. Be it myopic or major. 

At least to each individual.. Our own problems are major. 

Sometimes it's really not... 

Learn to see past that. 

Life is a battle.

How well are you fighting yours ?

Another valuable knowledge about situations.

There are many types of people who choose to help others. 

There's...

Those who will wont help at all. 

Those who will only help when being asked.

Those who can sense when someone needs their help and will help.

Those who can sense when someone needs help and refuse to help.

And then today I discovered this rare species.

Those that can sense when someone needs help. And force their help on people. Even when the person says he doesn't need help.

And the worst part is that a portion of this rare species gloat when they sense the person being annoyed of intrusive help.

So I wonder why? 

Why would someone force their help even when they know they don't need them?

The probable answer is that this rare species is 

Egoistic.

They feel proud of themselves for doing the right thing. At least the right thing to them. By helping others in need.

And feel proud of themselves of doing so. Like an addition to their list of kind deeds.

And to them annoying the person doesn't matter cause they 'know' that they are doing right. And it's funny that the other person isn't behaving the right way.

But what's most important to them is that they build their self esteem through this perceived help. 

Since they are consistently helping others  everytime they sense it. 

Which is bullshit.

It frustrates me and annoys me.

Don't force your help on others. 

Especially when the person tells you she don't need it. 

Don't be proud of yourself for intruding into people lives and making them feel worse.

It's disgusting.

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